Domestic Violence Survivors
Domestic Violence (physical, mental, spiritual and emotional abuse) leaves a trail of pain in its wake. Psychiatric couches are full of women who have been through it and survived. Cemeteries and hospitals nationwide carry the weight of the women who didn't survive, the ones who didn't make it to the other side.
We think of a survivor as someone who has been through hell and made it through in one piece, whole. With DV this is not always true. According to Word Web a survivor is "one who lives through affliction”, "one who outlives another", "an animal who survives in spite of adversity".
People who have been through any or all of the forms domestic violence takes often find that the pain returns in many other forms. They feel it when they are afraid to try anything new. They feel it when the church or their own family tells them that they should have stayed and worked through the problems they were having with the abuser. They feel it when their friends, the ones they had as a couple, turn their backs and blame them for what their abusive partner did. (He often tells only his side of the story, making himself out to be the aggrieved victim.) They feel it when they see another woman going through what they themselves finally escaped.
The children in an abusive home often carry scars as well. The male children often become bullies to other children, their siblings and sometimes to the victim as well. They have learned to have little respect for women and must be retrained to realize that violence in any form is not an answer. The female child will often become very introverted, keeping to herself, avoiding any situation that seems threatening in any way. Children of abuse should be taken in for some form of counseling. They need a safe place to move forward with their lives in a non-threatening and non-violent way.
Adult victims never seem to forget even when they have moved on. Their dreams are often haunted by dark violence. They find themselves unable to make any choices. They often find themselves feeling sorry for the abuser. They often find themselves alone and lonely, unable to trust anyone enough to commit to even a friendship type of relationship.
Many victims are too afraid to talk about the past abuse, closing themselves off from any type of intimate relationships. They find they trust no one. They find they are always looking for the signs of making yet another mistake and they seldom trust their own instincts about others.
Loud noises often frighten them, as the sound of an abuser’s shouting did in the past. They don't like to be surprised and often jump, sometimes shouting, if someone unintentionally walks up behind them without warning.
If criticized, even constructively and gently, they carry it with them, often thinking they are unable to do anything right. They either get angry or cower. It makes it very difficult for those around the victim to help in any way.
How can a victim become a survivor? They must learn that not every person they come in contact with is an abuser. They must learn to watch for signs of excessive anger. They must learn to trust their instincts and make choices. They must get over the hurt inner child and become the woman they are meant to be. This requires time and patience from those who care about the victim.
Sometimes the pain is so deep and keeps re-surfacing in ways that frighten and perplex the victim. She may feel she's losing her mind. She may feel she is not moving forward with her life but is stuck in the fear.
In more extreme cases she, and sometimes her children, will begin abusing drugs (prescription or illegal), alcohol, food and sometimes even sex to make the pain stop, the fear go away. She may find ways to stay home, locked within the safe walls of her house. She may develop degrees of agoraphobia, fear of open places.
She needs to face these things and with the help of the people closest to her, the ones who care about her, she may see a way out, a way to survive. Counseling, either from an understanding and enlightened physician, psychologist, psychiatrist or minister, should be sought if she finds herself unable to get past the abuse.
With help a woman will become a survivor. There is life after abuse.
© Connie Roush 2007 All Rights Reserved
We think of a survivor as someone who has been through hell and made it through in one piece, whole. With DV this is not always true. According to Word Web a survivor is "one who lives through affliction”, "one who outlives another", "an animal who survives in spite of adversity".
People who have been through any or all of the forms domestic violence takes often find that the pain returns in many other forms. They feel it when they are afraid to try anything new. They feel it when the church or their own family tells them that they should have stayed and worked through the problems they were having with the abuser. They feel it when their friends, the ones they had as a couple, turn their backs and blame them for what their abusive partner did. (He often tells only his side of the story, making himself out to be the aggrieved victim.) They feel it when they see another woman going through what they themselves finally escaped.
The children in an abusive home often carry scars as well. The male children often become bullies to other children, their siblings and sometimes to the victim as well. They have learned to have little respect for women and must be retrained to realize that violence in any form is not an answer. The female child will often become very introverted, keeping to herself, avoiding any situation that seems threatening in any way. Children of abuse should be taken in for some form of counseling. They need a safe place to move forward with their lives in a non-threatening and non-violent way.
Adult victims never seem to forget even when they have moved on. Their dreams are often haunted by dark violence. They find themselves unable to make any choices. They often find themselves feeling sorry for the abuser. They often find themselves alone and lonely, unable to trust anyone enough to commit to even a friendship type of relationship.
Many victims are too afraid to talk about the past abuse, closing themselves off from any type of intimate relationships. They find they trust no one. They find they are always looking for the signs of making yet another mistake and they seldom trust their own instincts about others.
Loud noises often frighten them, as the sound of an abuser’s shouting did in the past. They don't like to be surprised and often jump, sometimes shouting, if someone unintentionally walks up behind them without warning.
If criticized, even constructively and gently, they carry it with them, often thinking they are unable to do anything right. They either get angry or cower. It makes it very difficult for those around the victim to help in any way.
How can a victim become a survivor? They must learn that not every person they come in contact with is an abuser. They must learn to watch for signs of excessive anger. They must learn to trust their instincts and make choices. They must get over the hurt inner child and become the woman they are meant to be. This requires time and patience from those who care about the victim.
Sometimes the pain is so deep and keeps re-surfacing in ways that frighten and perplex the victim. She may feel she's losing her mind. She may feel she is not moving forward with her life but is stuck in the fear.
In more extreme cases she, and sometimes her children, will begin abusing drugs (prescription or illegal), alcohol, food and sometimes even sex to make the pain stop, the fear go away. She may find ways to stay home, locked within the safe walls of her house. She may develop degrees of agoraphobia, fear of open places.
She needs to face these things and with the help of the people closest to her, the ones who care about her, she may see a way out, a way to survive. Counseling, either from an understanding and enlightened physician, psychologist, psychiatrist or minister, should be sought if she finds herself unable to get past the abuse.
With help a woman will become a survivor. There is life after abuse.
© Connie Roush 2007 All Rights Reserved
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