How Can I Tell If He's Going To Be An Abuser?

It's not always easy to tell if a man is going to abuse his partner but there are some hints that your relationship may be headed in that direction. Be aware of them. Look for them as you begin dating the person.

• Extreme jealousy: he tells her his jealousy is only because he loves her, (extreme jealousy is not a sign of love but of possessiveness and mistrust), inappropriate accusations of flirting or cheating, begins checking up on her, (calling her at work several times a day, following her, checking her car mileage to see how far she's gone)
• Controlling Behavior: he tells her he is concerned for her safety gets angry if she is "late" coming back from somewhere, he wants to know where she went, who she talked to (this behavior tends to escalate and he will attempt to stop her from making her own decisions about the house, her clothing, and where she goes, demanding to go with her) he may keep all the money requiring her to ask his permission to buy anything or to leave the house.
• Quick Involvement: many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together, he claims "you're the only woman for me," or "I've never felt like this with anyone before." He often pressures her to commit.
• Unrealistic Expectations: he will expect his partner to meet all of his needs; she must be the perfect wife, he will say things like "if you love me you would..."
• Isolation: he cuts her off from family and friends, accusing them of causing trouble, he may want to move away from town, she may not have access to a phone, he may not let her use the car or only allow her to use the one that's unreliable, he may try to keep the woman from working going to school.
• Blames others for his problems and his feelings: often causing him to be unemployed or changing jobs frequently because someone is doing something to him or is out to get him, often stating "you made me mad..."
• Cruelty to Animals or Children
• Use of Force in Sex
• Verbal Abuse: name calling, shouting
• Rigid Sex Roles: expects her to wait on him, he sees women as inferior to men,
• Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality: he has sudden mood changes - one minute everything is fine and the next he's exploding.
• Past abusive behavior: he has hit women in the past, she may hear this from other people who know him, exes, relatives
• Threats of Violence: threat of physical force meant to control her
• Breaking or Striking Objects
• Use of any type of force during an argument: holding her down, physically restraining her pushing or shoving
• Excessive tickling

If you are dating a new man and see any of these signs know that the relationship must end before abuse begins. If you are involved with a man showing any of the above behaviors, please seek help. Call a hotline, your minister, a trusted friend or family member and let them help, even if all the help you want at this time is for someone to know what's happening and to be there when (not "if" but "when") you need them.
Remember, abuse is about control not anger. The victim is NEVER to blame for the abuse.
© 2007 Connie Roush All Rights Reserved.