Is My Friend, Sister, Niece, or Mother Being Abused?
Often if a person close to you is being abused, they won’t tell you. Why? Because they are ashamed or embarrassed. They often feel the abuse is their fault, that they have done something wrong or bad, that makes them deserving of the treatment they receive from their partner. This is not true, but many times their self esteem has been battered so badly that they truly believe they are responsible for the abuse. They believe that if they had been a better person, a better cook, more accepting, a more competent lover that their partner would not need to abuse them. This also is fallacy. Abuse is not caused by the victim but by the abuser.
If you suspect someone close to you is being abused there are signs you can see if you look closely enough.
Does she have unexplained bruises or injuries, telling you when asked about them, that she’s just clumsy? (I don’t know how many times over the years I have had women tell me they walked into a door.)
Does she have bouts of deep depression or severe mood swings? (This could be a sign of other problems but combined with unexplained bruises is often a sign she is being abused.)
Is she afraid to go home? Does she get depressed at the end of the work day?
When invited to socialize after work, does she make excuses because she needs to be home on time?
Does she get a lot of personal calls or does her partner drop by work unexpectantly during the workday?
Does she seem incapable of making a decision, even about the simplest things like what to have for lunch?
Does she overcompensate and need reassurance often that she is doing a good job?
Is she an over-achiever? (Again, this is not always a sign unless combined with others on the list.)
Is her attendance suffering?
Does she jump or gasp in fear if touched or spoken to unexpectantly?
Does she often mention not sleeping or having nightmares?
Does she over-react, often with anger, if confronted with something she did wrong?
If the topic turns to abuse, does she sit quietly, not saying anything, or get up and leave?
Is there any type of substance abuse, including over-eating or over the counter medication?
Does she seem like she feels hopeless about the future? Does she lack ambition?
Does she take the blame for everything that goes wrong? Does she apologize for everything, even things that are truly not her fault?
Is she afraid to try anything new, afraid she’s not smart enough to learn, afraid she’ll make a mistake?
Does she often daydream?
Does she have a haunted look in her eyes? Does she look like she is always sad and expecting the worst in any situation in which she is involved?
Domestic violence victims often feel that they are to blame for the actions of their partner. They believe that if they could somehow manage to do everything right, if they could somehow keep their abuser happy, the violence would end. Sadly this is not the case. Abusers abuse for control and must continuously find ways to keep the control they have over their partners. They do this by abusing again.
If this sounds like someone you know, someone you care about, know that you can help. Victims hold their secrets very close, but will share in time as they feel safer. The very best way to help is to be there for them should they want to talk. Often they will not discuss the abuse. They will deny it or laugh it off. If they do either, they are not ready to entrust you with their secrets. Wait patiently. Be there to listen if and when they do want to talk. Be their friend and allow them to share what they will in their own time. Don’t push them to share as this will push them away from you.
Another way to help is to make yourself more knowledgeable about abusive relationships. Read everything you can about the situation. Begin noticing news stories that deal with domestic violence. Believe me, there is no shortage of stories about abuse.
Another way to help is to offer her my book, A Love Sentence. It is written in novel format and though it is fiction, the story itself is true for many abused women. Read it yourself and discuss it with her. She will see herself in the story and possibly be more open to discussing it with you and asking for help when she is ready. Please follow this link to get a copy: http://www.lulu.com/content/623979
You CAN make a difference in the life of someone you care about. Don't give up on them. They need you.
© 2007 Connie Roush All Rights Reserved.
If you suspect someone close to you is being abused there are signs you can see if you look closely enough.
Does she have unexplained bruises or injuries, telling you when asked about them, that she’s just clumsy? (I don’t know how many times over the years I have had women tell me they walked into a door.)
Does she have bouts of deep depression or severe mood swings? (This could be a sign of other problems but combined with unexplained bruises is often a sign she is being abused.)
Is she afraid to go home? Does she get depressed at the end of the work day?
When invited to socialize after work, does she make excuses because she needs to be home on time?
Does she get a lot of personal calls or does her partner drop by work unexpectantly during the workday?
Does she seem incapable of making a decision, even about the simplest things like what to have for lunch?
Does she overcompensate and need reassurance often that she is doing a good job?
Is she an over-achiever? (Again, this is not always a sign unless combined with others on the list.)
Is her attendance suffering?
Does she jump or gasp in fear if touched or spoken to unexpectantly?
Does she often mention not sleeping or having nightmares?
Does she over-react, often with anger, if confronted with something she did wrong?
If the topic turns to abuse, does she sit quietly, not saying anything, or get up and leave?
Is there any type of substance abuse, including over-eating or over the counter medication?
Does she seem like she feels hopeless about the future? Does she lack ambition?
Does she take the blame for everything that goes wrong? Does she apologize for everything, even things that are truly not her fault?
Is she afraid to try anything new, afraid she’s not smart enough to learn, afraid she’ll make a mistake?
Does she often daydream?
Does she have a haunted look in her eyes? Does she look like she is always sad and expecting the worst in any situation in which she is involved?
Domestic violence victims often feel that they are to blame for the actions of their partner. They believe that if they could somehow manage to do everything right, if they could somehow keep their abuser happy, the violence would end. Sadly this is not the case. Abusers abuse for control and must continuously find ways to keep the control they have over their partners. They do this by abusing again.
If this sounds like someone you know, someone you care about, know that you can help. Victims hold their secrets very close, but will share in time as they feel safer. The very best way to help is to be there for them should they want to talk. Often they will not discuss the abuse. They will deny it or laugh it off. If they do either, they are not ready to entrust you with their secrets. Wait patiently. Be there to listen if and when they do want to talk. Be their friend and allow them to share what they will in their own time. Don’t push them to share as this will push them away from you.
Another way to help is to make yourself more knowledgeable about abusive relationships. Read everything you can about the situation. Begin noticing news stories that deal with domestic violence. Believe me, there is no shortage of stories about abuse.
Another way to help is to offer her my book, A Love Sentence. It is written in novel format and though it is fiction, the story itself is true for many abused women. Read it yourself and discuss it with her. She will see herself in the story and possibly be more open to discussing it with you and asking for help when she is ready. Please follow this link to get a copy: http://www.lulu.com/content/623979
You CAN make a difference in the life of someone you care about. Don't give up on them. They need you.
© 2007 Connie Roush All Rights Reserved.
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