A Woman With A Mission

Domestic Violence Survivors

2007-09-27T13:14:00.000-04:00

Domestic Violence (physical, mental, spiritual and emotional abuse) leaves a trail of pain in its wake. Psychiatric couches are full of women who have been through it and survived. Cemeteries and hospitals nationwide carry the weight of the women who didn't survive, the ones who didn't make it to the other side.
We think of a survivor as someone who has been through hell and made it through in one piece, whole. With DV this is not always true. According to Word Web a survivor is "one who lives through affliction”, "one who outlives another", "an animal who survives in spite of adversity".
People who have been through any or all of the forms domestic violence takes often find that the pain returns in many other forms. They feel it when they are afraid to try anything new. They feel it when the church or their own family tells them that they should have stayed and worked through the problems they were having with the abuser. They feel it when their friends, the ones they had as a couple, turn their backs and blame them for what their abusive partner did. (He often tells only his side of the story, making himself out to be the aggrieved victim.) They feel it when they see another woman going through what they themselves finally escaped.
The children in an abusive home often carry scars as well. The male children often become bullies to other children, their siblings and sometimes to the victim as well. They have learned to have little respect for women and must be retrained to realize that violence in any form is not an answer. The female child will often become very introverted, keeping to herself, avoiding any situation that seems threatening in any way. Children of abuse should be taken in for some form of counseling. They need a safe place to move forward with their lives in a non-threatening and non-violent way.
Adult victims never seem to forget even when they have moved on. Their dreams are often haunted by dark violence. They find themselves unable to make any choices. They often find themselves feeling sorry for the abuser. They often find themselves alone and lonely, unable to trust anyone enough to commit to even a friendship type of relationship.
Many victims are too afraid to talk about the past abuse, closing themselves off from any type of intimate relationships. They find they trust no one. They find they are always looking for the signs of making yet another mistake and they seldom trust their own instincts about others.
Loud noises often frighten them, as the sound of an abuser’s shouting did in the past. They don't like to be surprised and often jump, sometimes shouting, if someone unintentionally walks up behind them without warning.
If criticized, even constructively and gently, they carry it with them, often thinking they are unable to do anything right. They either get angry or cower. It makes it very difficult for those around the victim to help in any way.
How can a victim become a survivor? They must learn that not every person they come in contact with is an abuser. They must learn to watch for signs of excessive anger. They must learn to trust their instincts and make choices. They must get over the hurt inner child and become the woman they are meant to be. This requires time and patience from those who care about the victim.
Sometimes the pain is so deep and keeps re-surfacing in ways that frighten and perplex the victim. She may feel she's losing her mind. She may feel she is not moving forward with her life but is stuck in the fear.
In more extreme cases she, and sometimes her children, will begin abusing drugs (prescription or illegal), alcohol, food and sometimes even sex to make the pain stop, the fear go away. She may find ways to stay home, locked within the safe walls of her house. She may develop degrees of agoraphobia, fear of open places.
She needs to face these things and with the help of the people closest to her, the ones who care about her, she may see a way out, a way to survive. Counseling, either from an understanding and enlightened physician, psychologist, psychiatrist or minister, should be sought if she finds herself unable to get past the abuse.
With help a woman will become a survivor. There is life after abuse.

© Connie Roush 2007 All Rights Reserved

Prayer of a Domestic Violence Advocate

2007-07-06T14:19:00.000-04:00

Goddess, get me through this crisis,
As you got me through yesterday’s
And the one the day before.
Goddess, watch over the women in this shelter,
The ones who live here
And the ones who work here.
Keep them safe.
Keep them strong.
Give me the words to help,
The words to comfort,
The words to reassure and offer alternatives
To each woman I see.
Let my arms open wide enough
To hold a woman in need,
And let them be strong enough
To hold on tightly.
Let my shoulders be broad enough
To handle the anger, the hurt
And the confusion
Of each abused woman that needs me.
Help me to be strong when I lose one,
When she NEEDS to go back
To the man who sent her to me.
Help me to wait patiently for her return
And help me to offer my arms each time.
Watch over me, dear Goddess.
Keep me strong.
Keep me focused.
And thank you for this shelter
And for giving me the opportunity
To work here.
Blessed Be

© Connie Roush 2007 All Rights Reserved.

List of Resources and Referrals

2007-07-06T14:05:00.000-04:00

If you are in immediate danger, please call 9-1-1.

For more assistance or information, including the names and numbers of shelters in your area, please contact one of the organizations listed below. Many if not most are accessible 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

National Domestic Violence hotline (NDVH)
http://www/ndhv/org/ 1-800-799-SAFE
1-800-799-7233

American Institute on Domestic Violence (AIDV)
http://www.aidv-usa.com/ (505) 973-2225

Abuse Counseling and Treatment (ACT)
http://www.actabuse.com/index.html 239-939-2553

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
http://www.ncadv.org/ Phone: 303-839-1852
Fax: 303-831-9251
TTY - (303) 839-1681

An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection (AARDVARC)
http://www.aardvarc.org/
Includes information on stalking.

Office of Victims of Crimes
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/help/dv.htm
Lists some national organizations

National Center for Victims of Crimes
http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbID=DB_GetHelp787 1-800-FYI-CALL
1-800-394-2255
Victim assistance for many different types of crimes

Violence Against Women Online Resources
http://www.vaw.umn.edu/mail/infoassist.shtml

US Department of Labor (Safety Health and Employee Welfare) A Domestic Violence Handbook for employees and employers.
http://www.usda.gov/da/shmd/aware.htm

More resource information
http://toolkit.ncjrs.org/vawo_1a.html

Office on Violence Against Women (OVW)
Excellent resources concerning anything to do with Domestic Violence.
http://www.ncjrs.gov/notices/ovw/DVAM2006.html

Social Security Online (SSO)
http://www.socialsecurity.gov/pubs/10093.html

Domestic Violence and Stalking: 1-800-799-SAFE or #HOPE on Verizon wireless phones (toll and airtime free) TTY: 1-800-787-3224

Sexual Assault and Incest: 1-800-656-HOPE
(RAINN: The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network)

Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD
National Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-HIT-HOME

National Council on Child Abuse and Family Violence: 800-222-2000

Child Exploitation, Sexual Predators: 1-800-THE-LOST

Girls and Boys Town National Hotline: 1-800-448-3000
TDD: 1-800-448-1833

Gay and Lesbian National Hotline: 1-888-THE-GLNH

The Trevor Project: Gay Teen Suicide Hotline: 1-800-850-8078

GLBT Hate Crimes: 1-800-616-HATE

Abuse of the Elderly: 1-800-677-1116

National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE

Covenant House Teen Hotline: 1-800-999-9999

National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-621-4000

Al-Anon: 1-888-425-2666

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous: 1-800-977-HEAL

© Connie Roush 2007 All Rights Reserved.

Remember: Domestic Violence (DV) is a crime!

2007-07-06T14:01:00.000-04:00

Under most state laws, DV is defined as “any physical abuse, or threat of abuse, between intimately involved partners, roommates, or family members. In some states, the legal wording extends to include anyone with whom you have had a child, whether or not they live with you or have ever lived with you.”

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) defines domestic violence as “a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence, when one person believes they are entitled to control another.”

Law enforcement and the courts use DV as an umbrella term for a wide variety of other crimes. Most domestic violence charges include at least one "person to person" crime, such as assault (threatening to harm someone either by word or by action) or battery (physically harming or attempting to harm someone). Other common elements of domestic violence crimes include: kidnapping (which can be as simple as not letting you leave the room), criminal mischief or vandalism (egging your house, scratching up your car), burglary (entering your home or vehicle without your permission, even if nothing is taken), and stalking.

Although many domestic violence arrests include a specific action that results in an injury, just the attempt or threat to injure can be enough for an arrest to be made

DV is not only a women’s issue. Men are speaking out more often about abuse in their relationships. This was seen rarely 20 years ago. “The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable to most people that many men won’t even attempt to report the situation. Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished, men usually end up feeling as if nobody would believe them. It is widely assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or while playing contact sports.” http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceMen.htm They also feared the responses of law enforcement. Since law enforcement has received more training on the issue of DV, men are now able to report incidents and are offered assistance from law enforcement.

The statistics of DV are frightening. According to the National Council Against Domestic Violence (NCADV):
• 1 in 4 women will experience DV in her lifetime.
• In 2001, there were 691,710 incidents of non-fatal violence committed against women by their boyfriends, husbands and former intimate partners.
• From 1992 to 2000, 54% of DV were reported to the police. Only 24% of rape and sexual assault was reported during that same period.
• 1 in 5 women have experienced an attempted or completed rape.
• Marital rape accounts for 25% of all rapes affecting over 75,000 women each year.
• In 2000, 1247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner.

Why won’t she leave?

This question is often asked by people who really don’t understand the danger a woman feels in leaving. A woman leaves and returns to an abusive situation, either entering a shelter or staying with a friend or relative many times before she leaves for good or before she becomes a fatality. A more appropriate question would be: "Why does he abuse her?" or "Why can’t he be stopped from hurting his family?"

The reasons she waits to leave are varied but one of the reasons is NOT because she enjoys the abuse. She may stay because she believes that his violence is only temporary. She may believe that with loyalty and love, she can make him change. He promises that it will "never happen again" and she wants to believe him. She may believe that it is her responsibility to keep the family together. She wants to believe there will be more good times. She may make excuses for him saying “he has had a hard life” or “he needs me.”

The average battered woman leaves 7 to 8 times before permanently leaving a relationship. Many times, she is "caught" in the Cycle of Violence.

She may return when he begs her to come back, or when she can’t find the resources to live on her own. She may return because she loves him. There are many other reasons women stay in relationships. Some include: economics, family expectation to stay in marriage "at any cost", religious expectations “until death do us part”, guilt that it may actually be her fault, fear of loneliness, concern for the children, fear of additional and more extreme violence, destruction of her property or pets, harm to her reputation, fear of being stalked, lack of available housing, concern for him (possibility of him committing suicide). The reasons are as varied as the couples involved are and all are valid.

How do you help yourself or someone you care about in a DV situation?

For a list of what to do, how to help and how to remain safe, please contact the nearest shelter in your area or The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at:
1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
http://www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html

© Connie Roush 2007 All Rights Reserved.

Children Raised in Violence

2007-06-19T12:47:00.000-04:00

We always talk about the victim and the abuser when we talk about Domestic Violence. We seem to forget the children. Children raised in a home where domestic violence is an issue are affected and often have lifelong issues.

Children seeing violence between their parents tend to turn inward, often looking for ways out. Some do this by staying away from home as much as possible, visiting friends, other family members or even becoming involved in after school sports or activities. Though these are good ways to avoid the situation at home, these kids have to return home afterwards, and are immediately back into a situation they have no control over.

Many runaways come from abusive homes. They will often leave after an explosive fight but come home thinking they can somehow protect the victim by being there.

Often children of violent homes feel guilty. They think that if they had done or said something differently, the violence would abate. They feel guilt over not being able to protect the victim parent.

Although it would seem natural for children of domestic violence to become strong advocates against violence in families, that doesn’t usually happen. Many suffer from low self-esteem, depression and learning difficulties. They are at a higher risk for suicide and alcohol and drug abuse.

Children of violence, without therapy, will often grow up one of two ways. The child who is the same sex as the abuser will often become an abuser as an adult. They will lack respect for the opposite sex. They will often have anger issues, often be loud and will cycle into the position of an adult abuser. The child who is the same sex as the victim will usually become introverted, quiet and very submissive. This person will usually have the same type of relationships as the victim parent.

Neither child usually does well in school, one becoming aggressive and the other never speaking up.

As adults the child who is the same sex as the abuser often has relationships with submissive partners, partners they are able to control. They will seldom begin relationships with a strong and outgoing member of the opposite sex.

Children the same sex as the victim will usually find strong, aggressive partners, partners that are not afraid to tell them what to do. They will often find themselves in abusive, verbally and physically, relationships, and wonder why they can never find someone who doesn’t abuse them in one way or another.

Victims have a lot on their plates in an ongoing domestic violence situation and it’s hard for them to see what the violence is doing to their children. They feel that since the children are not being physically hurt, the kids are all right. Sadly, this is not the case.
One solution would be for the non-abusing parent or a concerned friend or relative to talk with the school authorities, a psychologist, a teacher or even a religious advisor, explaining their concerns and asking for advice on what they can do for the child.

Another action that may help is offering the child asylum in its own homes, with parental consent of course, giving the child a non-violent, non-confrontational place to sit and talk, vent, or just do homework in peace without the fear of abrupt violence.

If the child is the victim, the police and children’s services must become involved. Often when that happens, the victim will finally realize that it’s time to make some changes in her life if she wants to retain custody of the children. She will often, finally leave the abuser.

Although there may be only one victim of physical abuse in the home, Domestic Violence affects everyone in the household.

For more information please check out the sites listed to the left of this post, or contact me by email.

© Connie Roush 2007 All Rights Reserved.

So...Why Won't She Leave Him?

2007-05-31T14:18:00.001-04:00

There are probably as many reasons a woman stays in an abusive relationship as there are domestic violence cases but a few seem to keep resurfacing.

1.She loves him. (Actually she loves the man she married or the man he was and hopes he will eventually become that man again. She often thinks that if he was less stressed, or she was a better partner she would get the man she married back.. Sadly, this is never the case.)

2.She's afraid to be alone.(Her self-esteem may be so low that she fears no one else will ever want her. He has often told her she is undesirable for any number of reasons, and she now fears he may be right.)

3.She's ashamed.(She doesn't want anyone to know what is happening in her home. She has been keeping the secrets too long.)

4.She has financial worries.(Often she is reliant on his income and insurance and wonders if she can support herself and her children.)

5.She is terrified.(She is afraid he will find her and things will get even worse.)

These are probably the top 5 reasons a woman will stay in an abusive relationship and all are valid. They are very real fears, BUT...there are alternatives and there is help out there.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) has a list of organizations arranged by state that can help. (See "Information and Help" to the left for link.)

Domestic Violence Information and Referral Handbook offers a lot of good information on how to access legal assistance. (See "Information and Help" to the left for link.)

Rural Assistance Center has links to places that make funds available to women in crisis. (See "Information and Help" to the left for link.)

The R.O.S.E (Regaining One's Self Esteem)Fund has programs available for reconstructive surgery, a cooking and nutrition workshop and scholarships. (See "Information and Help" to the left for link.)

Inspirations of Hamilton County, Inc.in Indiana has a unique program assisting women in getting employment training and education, giving them free professional clothing and household items, helping them to get set up with financial assistance and housing. (See "Information and Help" to the left for link.)
(I would like to see more programs like this one.)

There is an abundance of information and assistance programs in every state. I know it's hard to leave. It took me almost 15 years, but it can be done and things do look brighter once you can again raise your head and be yourself with no fear of violence.

Domestic Violence doesn't get better. It won't go away no matter how long a woman stays, oftentimes it will just get worse. He will never again become the man you married. That man is dead. He is now an abuser and a criminal. Remember abuse is a crime.

An abuser abuses and a victim is NOT to blame.

Is My Friend, Sister, Niece, or Mother Being Abused?

2007-05-21T10:02:00.000-04:00

Often if a person close to you is being abused, they won’t tell you. Why? Because they are ashamed or embarrassed. They often feel the abuse is their fault, that they have done something wrong or bad, that makes them deserving of the treatment they receive from their partner. This is not true, but many times their self esteem has been battered so badly that they truly believe they are responsible for the abuse. They believe that if they had been a better person, a better cook, more accepting, a more competent lover that their partner would not need to abuse them. This also is fallacy. Abuse is not caused by the victim but by the abuser.

If you suspect someone close to you is being abused there are signs you can see if you look closely enough.

Does she have unexplained bruises or injuries, telling you when asked about them, that she’s just clumsy? (I don’t know how many times over the years I have had women tell me they walked into a door.)

Does she have bouts of deep depression or severe mood swings? (This could be a sign of other problems but combined with unexplained bruises is often a sign she is being abused.)

Is she afraid to go home? Does she get depressed at the end of the work day?

When invited to socialize after work, does she make excuses because she needs to be home on time?

Does she get a lot of personal calls or does her partner drop by work unexpectantly during the workday?

Does she seem incapable of making a decision, even about the simplest things like what to have for lunch?

Does she overcompensate and need reassurance often that she is doing a good job?

Is she an over-achiever? (Again, this is not always a sign unless combined with others on the list.)

Is her attendance suffering?

Does she jump or gasp in fear if touched or spoken to unexpectantly?

Does she often mention not sleeping or having nightmares?

Does she over-react, often with anger, if confronted with something she did wrong?

If the topic turns to abuse, does she sit quietly, not saying anything, or get up and leave?

Is there any type of substance abuse, including over-eating or over the counter medication?

Does she seem like she feels hopeless about the future? Does she lack ambition?

Does she take the blame for everything that goes wrong? Does she apologize for everything, even things that are truly not her fault?

Is she afraid to try anything new, afraid she’s not smart enough to learn, afraid she’ll make a mistake?

Does she often daydream?

Does she have a haunted look in her eyes? Does she look like she is always sad and expecting the worst in any situation in which she is involved?

Domestic violence victims often feel that they are to blame for the actions of their partner. They believe that if they could somehow manage to do everything right, if they could somehow keep their abuser happy, the violence would end. Sadly this is not the case. Abusers abuse for control and must continuously find ways to keep the control they have over their partners. They do this by abusing again.

If this sounds like someone you know, someone you care about, know that you can help. Victims hold their secrets very close, but will share in time as they feel safer. The very best way to help is to be there for them should they want to talk. Often they will not discuss the abuse. They will deny it or laugh it off. If they do either, they are not ready to entrust you with their secrets. Wait patiently. Be there to listen if and when they do want to talk. Be their friend and allow them to share what they will in their own time. Don’t push them to share as this will push them away from you.

Another way to help is to make yourself more knowledgeable about abusive relationships. Read everything you can about the situation. Begin noticing news stories that deal with domestic violence. Believe me, there is no shortage of stories about abuse.

Another way to help is to offer her my book, A Love Sentence. It is written in novel format and though it is fiction, the story itself is true for many abused women. Read it yourself and discuss it with her. She will see herself in the story and possibly be more open to discussing it with you and asking for help when she is ready. Please follow this link to get a copy: http://www.lulu.com/content/623979

You CAN make a difference in the life of someone you care about. Don't give up on them. They need you.

© 2007 Connie Roush All Rights Reserved.

Can Men Be Abused?

2007-05-11T08:42:00.000-04:00

Yes, a resounding yes!!! Men can and have been abused for many years. Sadly they have often suffered in silence because of pride, ego, humiliation, and the fact that when they do speak up, they are seldom believed. Men are only now beginning to speak out on the violence perpetrated against them by their partners.

According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) website: http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/factsheets/ipvfacts.htm

A national study found that 29% of women and 22% of men had experienced physical, sexual, or psychological IPV (Intimate Partner Violence) during their lifetime (Coker et al. 2002).
In 2002, 76% of IPV homicide victims were female; 24% were male (Fox and Zawitz 2004).
In the United States every year, about 1.5 million women and more than 800,000 men are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner. This translates into about 47 IPV assaults per 1,000 women and 32 assaults per 1,000 men (Tjaden and Thoennes 2000a).

These numbers are staggering. We have become a more equal society with men becoming more prone to domestic violence with each passing year.

Domestic violence (DV), or IPV as it is called above, is becoming a male issue. Anyone, male or female, who is controlled through violence of any type, is a victim.

More men are coming forward to say they have been victimized, first by a partner and then by the legal system which more often sees them as the abuser than the abused. The legal system needs to take a hard look at the way they deal with this situation in the future. The police and the courts need to be aware that violence against a partner can happen no matter the sex. They need to delve deeper into the reports to assure themselves that they are placing guilt on the correct party in the relationship, rather than making a broad assumption that the woman is always the abused.

Domestic violence has predominately been viewed as a women’s issue in the past but that is slowly changing. It should be viewed as a human issue. Violence, whether against men or women, needs to be seen as a crime and punished by law.

Remember, abuse, no matter who is the victim, is a crime.

For more information about this issue please see: http://www.batteredmen.com/

How Can I Tell If He's Going To Be An Abuser?

2007-05-09T14:19:00.000-04:00

It's not always easy to tell if a man is going to abuse his partner but there are some hints that your relationship may be headed in that direction. Be aware of them. Look for them as you begin dating the person.

Extreme jealousy: he tells her his jealousy is only because he loves her, (extreme jealousy is not a sign of love but of possessiveness and mistrust), inappropriate accusations of flirting or cheating, begins checking up on her, (calling her at work several times a day, following her, checking her car mileage to see how far she's gone)
Controlling Behavior: he tells her he is concerned for her safety gets angry if she is "late" coming back from somewhere, he wants to know where she went, who she talked to (this behavior tends to escalate and he will attempt to stop her from making her own decisions about the house, her clothing, and where she goes, demanding to go with her) he may keep all the money requiring her to ask his permission to buy anything or to leave the house.
Quick Involvement: many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together, he claims "you're the only woman for me," or "I've never felt like this with anyone before." He often pressures her to commit.
Unrealistic Expectations: he will expect his partner to meet all of his needs; she must be the perfect wife, he will say things like "if you love me you would..."
Isolation: he cuts her off from family and friends, accusing them of causing trouble, he may want to move away from town, she may not have access to a phone, he may not let her use the car or only allow her to use the one that's unreliable, he may try to keep the woman from working going to school.
Blames others for his problems and his feelings: often causing him to be unemployed or changing jobs frequently because someone is doing something to him or is out to get him, often stating "you made me mad..."
Cruelty to Animals or Children
Use of Force in Sex
Verbal Abuse: name calling, shouting
Rigid Sex Roles: expects her to wait on him, he sees women as inferior to men,
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality: he has sudden mood changes - one minute everything is fine and the next he's exploding.
Past abusive behavior: he has hit women in the past, she may hear this from other people who know him, exes, relatives
Threats of Violence: threat of physical force meant to control her
Breaking or Striking Objects
Use of any type of force during an argument: holding her down, physically restraining her pushing or shoving
Excessive tickling

If you are dating a new man and see any of these signs know that the relationship must end before abuse begins. If you are involved with a man showing any of the above behaviors, please seek help. Call a hotline, your minister, a trusted friend or family member and let them help, even if all the help you want at this time is for someone to know what's happening and to be there when (not "if" but "when") you need them.

Remember, abuse is about control not anger. The victim is NEVER to blame for the abuse.

Am I Being Physically Abused?

2007-05-08T14:35:00.000-04:00

Another question that seems like it should be obvious, but sometimes it's not. My definition of physical abuse is simply any touch to your body that is not wanted. Now there are of course times when an unwanted touch might be necessary like when someone grabs your arm and pulls you out of the way of an oncoming train, but in normal everyday life any touch that you have not given permission to someone to give you is abuse.

Physical abuse includes but is not limited to:

Pushing
Slapping
Kicking
Punching
Throwing objects
Threatening or injuring with a weapon
Restraining
Physically preventing someone from leaving
Choking
Pulling hair
Biting
Scratching
Locking in a room or out of the house
Abandoning in a dangerous place
Refusing to get necessary medical assistance
Refusing to buy food or other necessary items
Kicks or hits walls
Destroying her property
Abusing the children
Abusing the pets
Exposing her to reckless driving

Any time a person is hurt or threatened physically by a partner it is abuse.

Sadly the number of cases rises yearly. Hospitals are reporting more and more suspected abuse to the authorities. Arrests and convictions are being made. Awareness and education has helped but not nearly enough.

Oftentimes a woman is hit and the abuser immediately apologizes. She can see and feel how sorry he is and accepts the apology, hoping that their relationship can get back to what it was before the abuse. Sometimes it does, until the next time.

The sad fact is that once a woman is hit, she must believe that it will happen again. It doesn't stop. There is no magic that will happen to make it stop. Once he knows that he has the power to hit her, he uses it to control her, threatening her whenever things are not going his way, until finally it happens again, usually worse than the first time.

We are seeing more and more reports of women being killed by their intimate partners. This must stop. We need to control this before it gets anymore out of control and more women and children die at the hands of someone they love.

Love shouldn't hurt.

Can Sex in a Relationship be Abuse?

2007-05-07T14:40:00.000-04:00

Sex is not something that should be demanded in a relationship. Sex should be an expression of love between two partners not something that is expected or used as a punishment. RAPE is not sex. RAPE is violence and should be thought of as such.

Many women feel that they are required to have sexual relations with a partner as a part of the marriage or partnership agreement. This is not the case. To have sex is a mutual decision between two people. It is a benefit of the relationship not a part of the job description.

Sexual Abuse takes a number of forms not only forced sexual intercourse.

A man who treats women as sex objects can be an abuser
Withholding sex and affection as a means of control or punishment
Forcing her to undress, forcing her to wear provocative clothing in public that makes her uncomfortable or embarrasses her
Committing cruel or painful sexual acts
Forcing her to have sex against her will is rape
Forcing her to have sex after violence has been committed
Extreme jealous; accusing her of having an affair, accusing her of wanting to have an affair.
Forcing her to watch pornographic acts
Having affairs and flaunting them in her face
Forcing her to have sex with or in front of others; her children, his male friends
Forcing objects to be used
Violence during sex used by one person on the other; hair pulling, slapping, scratching
Calling her names or using sexual terms to humiliate her

Again, force in any form is abuse and should be seen as such. No one has the right to a woman's body unless she gives that person the right. Marriage does not mean that a woman has given up this right.

Remember, sex is not owed for any reason.

Sex taken without permission is rape.

Loving sex is only offered freely and given between consenting adults.

Emotional Abuse or Am I Being Abused?

2007-05-05T16:39:00.000-04:00

Many women are unclear about the true definition of abuse. Sadly many women are not sure if they are being abused, saying their significant other never hits them. They know that if their partner is hitting them, they are being abused.

What about the woman who is being called names or being put down in front of her children or friends and family? Is she being abused?

How about the woman who takes calls either at work or at home from her partner who is "just checking up" on her several times a day?

How about the woman whose partner gets upset and doesn't talk to her sometimes for days on end, often not even explaining why he's not talking?

How about the woman that gets tickled by a partner until she can't breathe or is in tears? Is she being abused?

Sadly, all of these actions on the part of a spouse or significant other fall into the realm of abuse or domestic violence.

Abuse is often broken down into 3 categories; emotional, sexual or physical. Although physical abuse is seen as the dominant definition of domestic violence or partner abuse, all three can often be found in an abusive relationship and any one of these can have severe consequences on the relationship and the mental or physical health of the abused partner, as well as any children that are also in the home.

Emotional Abuse consists of, but is not limited to:

Continuous criticism (Examples: She never does anything right. Her cooking is bad.)
Yelling or insulting comments (Examples: She's fat. Unfavorable verbal comparisons to other women.)
Ignoring her feelings, ridiculing her (Example: She's over-reacting.)
Withholding affection as punishment
Refusing to work and/or working sporadically
Keeping her from working
Manipulating her (Example: If you loved me...)
Insulting her family and friends
Refusing to socialize with her
Preventing her from making contact with family and friends
Keeping her from using the telephone
Controlling the money and making all financial decisions
Humiliating her in public
Harassing her at her place of employment
Threatening to leave
Threatening to throw her out of the house
Threatening to take her children
Threatening her pets
Breaking things that are important to her such as heirlooms
Throwing things or hitting walls when angry
Stalking (Although a physical act that may escalate into violence, it is often used as a way to emotionally intimidate the victim.)

Any verbal or emotional act used to control another person is abuse. When confronted with their behavior, abusers will attempt to minimize the abuse. (Examples: I never hit her. She doesn't mind. I was only teasing. She knows I didn't mean it.)

No one deserves to be treated this way, whether she is being physically assaulted or not. A partner does not have the right to destroy self-esteem or the right to make his significant other feel less a person or an equal in the relationship. This is not the way a loving person acts toward a spouse.

The hardest thing to get across to women in an emotionally abusive relationship is that abuse escalates. It doesn't stop. It doesn't get better. It doesn't go away. Once a man has found that he can emotionally and verbally abuse his partner, he feels strong and in control. Abuse is all about control.

Any woman experiencing anything from the above list needs to learn to protect herself and her children. She needs to seek outside help, from a trusted friend, a doctor or a minister. She needs someone to talk to who will listen and believe her, not minimize what she is going though or what she is feeling.

She needs to make some changes at this level before the abuse escalates, before it becomes sexual or physical, before she ends up battered or worse...maimed or dead.

Needs of the Victim

2007-05-04T08:00:00.000-04:00

Though there is help available...sadly much of it is substandard in my opinion, meeting only the immediate goal of emergency care and shelter...not assisting with life skills (balancing a checkbook, basic car maintenance, budgeting etc...) employment, medical and dental care, mental and emotional issues for both the adult and the children, legal assistance...and so on.

The needs of women leaving an abusive situation are not being addressed as well as they could be. Often when a woman is finally ready to leave she loses any financial stability she might have had by remaining in the marriage. She most likely has left with nothing more than the clothes on her back…and her children. She usually must even leave her pets behind. She has to start over, often from scratch. She remains a victim.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that emergency shelters are necessary and oftentimes the only alternative a woman has when she is in danger. BUT, having worked in one in Arizona, I realize they leave a lot to be desired. I know that this is usually due to the shelters being crowded and the workers being overtaxed, working without enough money or support from the community at large.

A woman coming from an abusive situation needs support and immediate help getting her feet planted once more in the real world. Sadly what she finds, by going in to a shelter, is that she has relinquished the control that her partner had over her to the people running the shelter. They now tell her when and where she can come or go, who she can see or even who she can talk to on the phone.

She finds herself with only these workers as her immediate support system, at a time when she is looking at changing her (and often her children’s) life completely. She finds herself filling out forms for public assistance, often something she has never been involved with in the past. She finds her children in new schools, many times in areas that are inferior to the schools they were in when they lived as a family.

If she is “on the run” meaning she has left and wants to remain hidden because of the violence, she finds herself dependent on others for her transportation needs and her safety, and that of her children. Orders of Protection can be requested from the court system but frequently there must be an established paper trail, reports she has filed against her abuser, calls that have been made to the police, before she can get one and though she may think herself safe with that order, she finds it is only a piece of paper.

Fears for her own survival (finding employment or schooling, getting the required medical and financial assistance etc…) lead her, in the quiet, nighttime hours as she lies in a shelter bed, to question herself. Many times she decides that leaving was too big a step, that the abuse wasn’t THAT bad and she decides to go back. Statistics say that a woman will leave an abuser at an average of 9 times before she leaves for good, either because the abuse has finally become intolerable, she has ended up in a hospital, her children or pets have been abused…or she is dead at the hands of the abuser.

Some progressive steps are being made in the assistance being offered to victims of abuse. One of these that look truly promising is a program in Indiana called Inspirations of Hamilton County, Inc. http://www.inspirationsinc.us/ProgramsandServices.asp started by a domestic violence survivor who personally saw the needs of the victim. Linda Crissman, who is also the Executive Director of this wonderful program, is finding new and innovative ways to assist other victims on their way to a new life. Please read her story here: http://www.inspirationsinc.us/HistoryofInspirations.asp

These are the types of services we need more of in the US.

© 2007 Connie Roush All Rights Reserved.

What is this mission Ohio Connie is on?

2007-05-03T13:08:00.000-04:00

Unable to help, I watched as my daughter became a victim of a man who professed to love her. I listened to her tell me about how wonderful he was one minute and how the next, the coffee table would be flying toward her head. I watched as she went to the emergency room after "falling" down the stairs and bruising her spleen. I listened as she told me "Mom, I love him" and "He's the kid's father after all and they need their father."

The first time she left and came to me with her 3 children in tow, I thought the nightmare was finally over. Now she was safe from her husband (and his mother...yes, his mother!) She stayed with me long enough to calm down, get financial help through the state, add her name to a waiting list for an apartment where the rent was based on a sliding scale. Then she went back.

Why? Because life was too boring with me.

That made me assume that she "wanted" the violence in her life. That was before I truly understood just why women do go back to their abusers.

It took her a number of years...and the birth of 2 more children, one a stillborn and the other born at 5 months and deceased at 8 months. Finally she left. She went into shelter, a shelter that was good for emergency care but not good for actually assisting the women in getting on with their lives.

She became a Certified Nursing Assistant and was able to support herself with help from the state. Her ex never has helped with the kids financially so she's had to live below the national poverty line, trying to keep her utilities on and her kids fed and clothed.

What happened to the ex? He went on to have more children with other women (2 that I know of) and not support them either. Both threw him out when he began abusing them physically.

So, to get back to my original question in the title of this post...my mission is to raise awareness of Domestic Violence...to let women who are involved in a dangerous or abusive relationship know there are ways out...to hopefully help them find resources and the courage to get on with their lives, without the abuser or the abuse...and to help friends and family of victims understand and even assist the abused woman.

My book A Love Sentence tells the story of how abuse escalates, what causes it, what options there are.

© 2007 Connie Roush All Rights Reserved.