Children Raised in Violence

We always talk about the victim and the abuser when we talk about Domestic Violence. We seem to forget the children. Children raised in a home where domestic violence is an issue are affected and often have lifelong issues.

Children seeing violence between their parents tend to turn inward, often looking for ways out. Some do this by staying away from home as much as possible, visiting friends, other family members or even becoming involved in after school sports or activities. Though these are good ways to avoid the situation at home, these kids have to return home afterwards, and are immediately back into a situation they have no control over.

Many runaways come from abusive homes. They will often leave after an explosive fight but come home thinking they can somehow protect the victim by being there.

Often children of violent homes feel guilty. They think that if they had done or said something differently, the violence would abate. They feel guilt over not being able to protect the victim parent.

Although it would seem natural for children of domestic violence to become strong advocates against violence in families, that doesn’t usually happen. Many suffer from low self-esteem, depression and learning difficulties. They are at a higher risk for suicide and alcohol and drug abuse.

Children of violence, without therapy, will often grow up one of two ways. The child who is the same sex as the abuser will often become an abuser as an adult. They will lack respect for the opposite sex. They will often have anger issues, often be loud and will cycle into the position of an adult abuser. The child who is the same sex as the victim will usually become introverted, quiet and very submissive. This person will usually have the same type of relationships as the victim parent.

Neither child usually does well in school, one becoming aggressive and the other never speaking up.

As adults the child who is the same sex as the abuser often has relationships with submissive partners, partners they are able to control. They will seldom begin relationships with a strong and outgoing member of the opposite sex.

Children the same sex as the victim will usually find strong, aggressive partners, partners that are not afraid to tell them what to do. They will often find themselves in abusive, verbally and physically, relationships, and wonder why they can never find someone who doesn’t abuse them in one way or another.

Victims have a lot on their plates in an ongoing domestic violence situation and it’s hard for them to see what the violence is doing to their children. They feel that since the children are not being physically hurt, the kids are all right. Sadly, this is not the case.
One solution would be for the non-abusing parent or a concerned friend or relative to talk with the school authorities, a psychologist, a teacher or even a religious advisor, explaining their concerns and asking for advice on what they can do for the child.

Another action that may help is offering the child asylum in its own homes, with parental consent of course, giving the child a non-violent, non-confrontational place to sit and talk, vent, or just do homework in peace without the fear of abrupt violence.

If the child is the victim, the police and children’s services must become involved. Often when that happens, the victim will finally realize that it’s time to make some changes in her life if she wants to retain custody of the children. She will often, finally leave the abuser.

Although there may be only one victim of physical abuse in the home, Domestic Violence affects everyone in the household.

For more information please check out the sites listed to the left of this post, or contact me by email.

© Connie Roush 2007 All Rights Reserved.

Comments

Popular Posts